opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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