sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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