i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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