I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
