You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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