You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am naked and annoyed.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
