I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
