what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
