You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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