No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
