I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
