i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.