she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt