i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.