Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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