I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
