We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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