I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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