apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
