I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
