smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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