Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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