Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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