my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
