My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
