I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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