I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
