A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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