so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
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he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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