hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
