Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
