how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
