Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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