The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
