I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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