Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
