I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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