they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
