i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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