So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
