Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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