i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
