so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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