I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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