You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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