what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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