Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
