he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
