I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
