im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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