your room smells of hookers.
And success
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
