Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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