What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
