I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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