so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
