I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
