I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
