i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
