but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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