I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
