I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
