Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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