Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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